How To Ride the Bus: A Guide for Adults That Fail at Life.

Personally, I have been riding public transportation no less than my entire life. So, as I ride the bus every day in Seattle I find myself constantly puzzled and in awe at the complete lack of…judgement, common sense, and basic human decency…that some Seattleites have when it comes to riding the bus.

I swear, some of these people have been commuting every day for years, so I can’t for the life of me understand how they have failed to get it. Which means the city has failed.

Luckily, a Chicagoan is now here to right these terrible wrongs. These are the 4 types of people/riders that made my shit list:

1. The ‘this is as far as I go’ Rider

I thought this was a common thing. You get on the bus. You take a seat. If there are no seats, you move to the back of the bus and you wait for a seat, or you never fucking get a seat. And then you get off the bus.

Wow, never in my life did I think I would have to explain how buses worked.

So, this is where I see people go wrong. These heathens refuse to move back. And I’m not talking about when there’s no room. I’m talking about how more people can get on, but these heathens will not budge an inch.

They find contentment with just standing in the middle of the bus as the front of the bus becomes borderline claustrophobic and the back of the bus is borderline breathing too much oxygen.

And then something happens that would never in a million years happen on the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority). The bus driver kindly asks that people move back so others can I don't know, breathe.

Chicago people: Take a moment. Laugh with me. Because never in my life (before this city) has a bus driver made eye contact with me, let alone taken the time out of their day to instruct riders on how to ride the fucking bus. If anything they just never got the chance, because a rider will not so kindly tell you to "move the fuck back."

It’s weird here.

Even when I have a seat, I’m mad at these people because WHY!!! WHAT PURPOSE DO YOU SERVE?

2. The Noble Standing Rider

This person really grinds my gears. This is the person that has a chance at a seat right in front of them, but they don’t take it. AS IF, they’re showing how much more superior they are by choosing to stand the entire ride.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Paige, what if they’re just about to get off?”

Valid point people not reading this blog.

And to that I say, 9 times out of 10, never the case.

How do I know? Because, I stare at them in anger the whole time, making it clear I do not approve, but too far away to take the seat myself.

What you should do if you are a noble stander is move the fuck out of the way and offer the seat to someone behind you that would gladly take the opportunity.

Because what you’re doing, similar to the heathens above, is not maximizing space. If someone can sit in that seat, then that’s one less person breathing in your face in the front of the bus. Common, meet Sense.

3. The ‘oh, this is my stop?’ Rider

Now let’s talk about the proper way to make an exit.

If you are seated by the window, you need to allow yourself an AMPLE (not to be confused with amBle) amount of time to get off of the bus, especially when the bus is crowded.

This is not like a fucking airplane, you need to make the first move because the person in the aisle is not a mind reader.

Now, you need to plan accordingly. If you’re not that close to an exit you CAN NOT wait until the bus has stopped to get the fuck up and decide to leave. Not when you have to make someone else get up first and move all of their shit, so you can run to a door.

My suggestion: Get up after the bus has departed the stop prior to yours and make your way to a door.

4. The No Home Training Ass Rider

First and foremost shout out to my mom! Because, it was clear to me at a very young age that I was to respect my elders and give up my seat. ESPECIALLY, if I am in the designated reserved seats in the front.

In fact, it’s just easier to not even sit there at all. I CANNOT stress enough how people will not get the fuck up, and these poor old souls have to stand.

Sometimes, they even make it to the back of the bus without one person offering their seat! Now, if they end up standing right in front of me, of course I offer my seat.

But, as the months have gone on, the more my commuting playlist is just Solange, the more I realize, ‘FUCK THAT.’

I am the only black person on this bus, I am minding my own business— not even sitting in the reserved seats in the front —and you just walked past 50 no home training ass white people and I have to get up? Not today Satan. Sorry not sorry, I’m channeling my inner Rosa Parks because I’ve worked all day as well, I too am tired, and I am not getting up so that another white person can sit down!

*End flashback. Calms down.*

So, Bottom line: I am not the problem here. Seattle people a.k.a white people a.k.a Seattle people need to have more pep in their step when it comes to getting the fuck up.

There’s a billion other things I could complain about, but all of those things I’m used to, because like I said— I’m a pro! But, these 4 types have been out of control atrocious in the PNW.

Now, am I a perfect public transit rider? Definitely not. Am I better than most people in Seattle? I’M A FUCKING DREAM (unless, you’re that poor unfortunate elderly person that didn’t get my seat because I was making a stand that no one knew I was making, but I KNEW and that’s not really my fault but the fault of a system known as the good old US of A).